Pg6

Painful Puns

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God," the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good friars to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged them to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if hey didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that "Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars."

I'm My Own Grandpaw

A song written by Dwight Latham and Moe Jaffe

Many, many years ago, when I was twenty three,

I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed.

This made my son-in-law and changed my very life,

For my daughter was my mother 'cause she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matter even though it brought me joy,

I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little boy then became a brother-in-law to my dad

And so became my uncle though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother

Of the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run

And he became my grandchild for he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue

Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too.

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild

And every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild.

For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw,

As husband of my grandmother I am my own grandpaw.

Oh, I'm my own grandpaw,

I'm my own grandpaw.

It sounds funny I know,

But it really is so.

Oh, I'm my own grandpaw.

CORPORATE MEMORANDUM

Subject: New merger

To: All employees

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, It was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner.

A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All

Ye Faithful."